i think that online dating has got to be one of the most degrading things i have ever put myself through. i have a profile, and i added a picture, i even posted it on a site that "caters" to larger women. yet, i've sent over 10 emails in the past 2 days, and i've only had one response. one. that's it. what the hell is wrong with my picture? i just don't get it. i never thought i was ugly. i always thought that i was pretty, at least i hoped i was. now, i'm not so sure. mm used to tell me how absolutely strong i was. i used to tell him it was bullshit. i just wanted to believe that he was right. i am strong. really, i am. but this just sucks. they give you an option to tell someone that you are interested. i wrote to guys that said they were interested in me. do you think they could spare a minute to write back? HELLO? why would they possibly want to do that? and i hate that i can tell if they have read the note. i kind of wish that i didn't know. then i could blame it on the web interface. i know that i'm not a small girl. yes, i wear an xl at old navy. i don't have to shop at lane bryant anymore (unless i want to). i still need to lose weight, but i've been working out just about every day. so what is the problem? why can't guys get past the fact that some people don't take the best pictures? why won't they take a minute to get to know you, even though that is what they claim to want to do? i just don't understand what is so very wrong with me... ok, that's enough ppp... i'm going to bed.

for the first 2 months or so that i was at sjsu, i just adored it. i so missed working and i really liked the people. i felt like i was really starting to fit in someplace. then winter session hit. i had a blast. i worked everyday, i had lunch with the group almost every day, and i had my carpool. i felt such a part of this wonderful team. i don't feel that way anymore. i feel like high school. like it is a popularity contest. since i've never been a "popular" person, it has never occured to me to try and get into the race. i haven't had a lunch date with the group since february. yes, the beginning of february. i ask, don't get me wrong, but i've not had a yes answer once. now, it is starting to affect how we handle internal customers. you know, i want to be a part of a well oiled machine. a team who enjoys each others company, and works well together. sometimes we are individual contributors, sometimes we all bring our efforts together for the good of the department. but, these people don't seem to know what a team is. and it appears that i am to be the person to "make the team". i'm just not sure how to do it. so, tuesday (monday is cesar chavez day and a holiday at sjsu), i begin my new project, operation teamwork. i'm going to call a meeting of the three of us, to discuss report requests. how we should handle them, and then develop a process to ensure that the reports are generated in a timely and professional manner. can you say, i'm going to kick some high school butt? if you have any good ideas on how to help me get through this meeting, please, please let me know... just leave a comment!

i have a set of q cards. i actually think i own two, one trashed set, and one brand new set. i just love them. i read three cards just about every morning, just to see what they say. i got my favorite card yesterday, "dearest wish comes true". i wonder, what is my dearest wish? do you think it can come true, if i don't know what it is? i'm just not sure. i'd like to think so... the quest is now on to discover what my dearest wish really is. i'm thinking that it is marriage and children, but i might be setting my sights entirely too high. it does however say, my dearest wish, so there you have it. right now, that is what i'd like to have. hey! i was looking out on zolo's site, and they have q cards for you to play with! so, go find out what your q cards say!

mom did not like my index page asking people to boycott michael moore. i can't say that i blame her. it is however something michael moore would have done. enough said. to please my mother, i've changed the index page to reflect more of my opinion of this war. yes, i have an opinion. it is very close to my mom's opinion. i don't think we should be in iraq. i think we are in iraq for many reasons, none of which is to save the iraqi people and help them build a democratic state. granted, those things sound great. i believe that every people on this planet have the right to live in peace, with enough to eat, and the right to vote how they would like their country to be. that is not what i believe is happening in iraq. i do, however, support our troops. i support the families of our troops. it is a wonderful thing to put yourself in harms way for something you believe in. i hope that each and every one of our troops come home safely and quickly.

yesterdays sabercats game was one of those games where everything seems to be running in slow motion. i watched these guys make mistake after mistake... and just where was daron alcorn aiming for when he was kicking the ball? it wasn't the goal posts. the cats lair has never been so quiet. the fans were in shock. and then, in the last 11 seconds of the game, james roe came through for us... the press release calls it a "circus catch", but i call it great football. i watched that ball come out of james hands twice. the third catch was the charm, and he didn't let it go! it was so awesome! it was the best 11 seconds of football i have seen this season! then daron, whom i was losing faith in, came in with a perfect extra point. and there you have it, the sabercats won their game. lets go cats!

i've known who michael moore is for longer than he has been a household name. back in the late 1970's, i used to go with my parents to see harry chapin when he came to flint. michael used to help set up the shows. he is older than me, but howard and martha remember having him as a student in their classes. i remember when roger and me came out. it was weird seeing your hometown on the movie screen, and worse than that, a hometown that looks nothing like you remembered it to be. over the years, i've followed his career. i never really liked much of what he did, but i understood it, and i agreed with it. i never liked his methods, but i knew he had the right to do/say what he felt. so tonight, when bowling for columbine won the academy award, i was proud. flint, michigan was on the map again, but this time for having an award winning director. then the jerk opened his mouth. god almighty, why did he do that? i think that he is correct. bush shouldn't be president... he really didn't win the election. he stole it. and i don't believe we should be at war. our men and women should be at home, safe, not fighting a war that mr. bush's father couldn't win. BUT... the academy awards was not the time or the place to voice his opinions. yes, he got tons of exposure, yes, people got to hear what he belives, yes, it was an awesome opportunity to get your point across. but at what cost? the families of the men and women who are in iraq were watching. the families of the soldiers who have died were watching. how absoutely disrespectful. how uncaring. what an asshole. i'm glad i didn't pay to see bowling for columbine. i won't ever see it now. i will never pay or watch anything that he does again. there is a time and a place for everything. michael needs to learn that. JERK.

i had promised myself that i wasn't going to talk about mm anymore in my blog. but today, i learned something that ticked me off. my sister, the queen of "it is all about me" had a totally inappropriate conversation with mm last week. she told him that he shouldn't have sent the box he sent, and that she better not hear that he does it again. WOW. does my sister have balls or what. how dare she think that was any of her business. or even her place to say a word. so now, mm has gone out a bought an audi A6 for his wife. totally loaded, with the extra engine shit. can you say GUILT GIFT? can you say that you can't buy someones love? can you say that it is impossible to love someone when you can't even look your self in a mirror? i'm sure that this is going to make him happy... i bet he even got laid. there you go, a $50,000 car, just to get laid. i would have done it for free. every night of the year for the rest of his life. but no, he has to buy this ignorant 23 year old drug addict child a car that she will just crash. WHY? i just don't understand. what is so wrong with me that i can't find a date? what is so wrong with me that i've been alone for the past 5 years. i just don't get this. i don't get any of this. i want to get it, but i don't. i think that i should just focus on being the next director at sjsu and become a lesbian.