so i sent a pretty bad email to mm last night. i'm very frustrated with the dating thing. ok, i'm going out of my mind. i don't really know what to do, or how to handle it. i'm eating and eating and eating. bad, bad, bad. having a hard time with everything. how do i convince a guy that i am worth his time with a picture and a few words? this so sucks. i'm sorry mm... you didn't need that email.

as you recall from the previous week, i joined match.com. not one boy has written to me. not one. i've written to 3, only one responded... and then he has yet to respond again. i'm thinking that this is a waste of my cash. there is this other one that i have been frequenting called bbwsinglesnetwork or something, and atleast the men send me little notes telling me that i look interesting. but still. it seems a bit smarmy to me. like these guys could be praying on "fat chicks". the question of the hour is, am i a fat chick. i think that i am between a fat chick and an average chick. and that my picture really isn't as good as i think it is. i've asked mm's advice, we shall see what he says. if he says anything. i'm sure it will not be easy for him to talk about this. i'm sure that he would rather be the object of my affection, like he isn't. i can only tell him so many times that i wish things were different. they aren't they can't be. that is it. :( i'd really like to f**k him right now. i'm so wanting a man. it's not even funny.

boring, boring, boring... no offer letter yet, not enough to do, yucky. sheri is still avoiding me. i'm sure that isn't going to end soon... and i'm talking to mm... but that does make me smile, as does looking at my picture of deke on the wall. he did kinda ruin the mystic when he kissed his girlfriend. but, i've decided that i'm just not going to let it bug me. he is allowed to have a girlfriend, right? going home to the puppies is not very appealing, but i know that daisy is missing me like mad. i locked her up with them. bummer for her, but i think they like that. if, however, they have pee-ed on my floor yet again, that is the end of their freedom.

meet little baby philip! this is minnie's baby. she is the second of my college friends to have a baby. ms. tina, the baby machine, has 2 sons already. philip looks a bit like minnie. very cute!

i've decided that i don't need to wait for my favorite crooner to come and visit where i live. i can go to him. mr. deke dickerson himself was visiting old ironsides in sacramento on saturday night. as always, he did not disappoint. i dragged ms. cinder up with me, put her in a dress, and boy howdy! did we have a great time! i wish that she lived closer. we would do things a lot more often. she is fun to hang with, and she always lets me choose what we do. who could ask for more?

once again i have made the mistake of asking jt to do something. you know, i'm not even really fond of him. i used to think he was a great guy, but now i know he is not. not at all, and yet, i keep asking him to do things. i've got to stop doing that. maybe it is because i dumped stephen. maybe i'm looking to fill a void. yes, stephen has left a big void. but jt isn't the one to fill it. he really isn't. i don't need another man in my life who wants me to have a crush on him. i've got mm and that is fine. and now that relationship is on terms i can handle, things are much better. i get to chat whenever i want, and he pushes back when i've gone too far. wait, he hasn't pushed back yet. and he hasn't really ignored anything i've said either. i know, i've figured out how to keep it under control. isn't that grand. i'm learning. and i can flirt really bad if i really want to. lucky for both of us that i'm better. i want to, but i don't. i know my limits. deke is in sacramento on saturday night, and i'm going to ditch the damn puppies and run! cinder is meeting me, or i'm meeting cinder, and i'm off to flirt with deke. i don't have to go by myself, which is always a bonus, and gotta love deke. yummy deke. why can't deke live around here so that i could see him all the time. nope, he's got to travel all the time. sharing that great music with everyone. what a wonderful guy. poor cinder. i hope she can handle it. me gushing over deke. it could be a problem.

so i did it... i put a profile on match.com and now, i've paid to use the service. i'm going to ask mar to help me start writing letters. i also need to get more pictures out there... i think that might help. this is nerve wracking. i've been looked at 18 times, but no letter. but 18 people were interested enough to read, that must be good, right?