my appointment

i’m a tad worried about my dr’s appointment this afternoon. it’s not a big deal, really… it’s just a test. just a microscope looking at my cervex… not really anything to worry about. then the punch… it’s not like i’ve not had this test before. i have. maybe that’s why i’m having such a problem. it hurts. i wish that i had the pain tollerance my mom does. then it wouldn’t bother me. but i don’t.

last time i had this test was when i was still with michael, when i still worked at cf, when i was sure that cancer wasn’t something that was going to be in my life. the dr. looked, the dr. saw, the dr. punched, more than once. the next appointment, michael came with me. he held my hand, told me it was going to be fine… and they frose my cervex. i remember the procedure not really hurting all that bad, but it was very cold. it hurt more after everything was over.

this time, the results caught me by surprise. as much as i like dr. prescop, he didn’t warn me that i needed this test. i’ve been putting it off for four months. not really smart, i don’t think. i should have done it in april. or even march. i just thought he wanted me to have a re-test. NOT. this time, i’m worried. i mean, what if it is cancer? what does that mean for my chances to have children? do i get to have kids if i have cervical cancer? i don’t know. but this time, i am scared to go.

i know that mar had this procedure last week. it doesn’t make it any easier… what if she has cancer too? i’m trying not to be pessimistic, but it’s really hard.

i have my vicoprofen, and 3 advils ready to go. i will be totally relaxed for the procedure. i don’t know if i have ever been druged up like this before. i’m leaving early, mom is taking me, and then i’ll come home and sleep. what a fun night for me. i’m thinking that i might even call in sick tomorrow. you know, nurse my non-existant pain tollerance. too bad mom is having lunch with mar tomorrow, and that daisy has to go to the groomers… can’t do fun things with all that going on. i should just go to work. i’ll be fine, right?