insanity

i go through times in my life where everything goes wrong. that was last month. i go through times in my life where everything is good. that was the past two weeks. the rocker has this calming influence on me. when i’m with him, nothing else matters. nothing.

last night, i got mad at mar again. i don’t think i’ve really ever stopped being mad at mar. as time passes, things just get worse and worse. she just doesn’t understand. helping out with mom does not mean that you go out to dinner with the tire boy and leave mom to take care of dinner for your kids. yes, she can take care of dinner for your kids. that is not the point. it’s never been the point. she is there to get out of the house, to have a change of scenery… not to make your life easier.

but, i digress. i’m really mad because mar doesn’t have this guilt. the guilt of leaving mom by herself. yep, mom is a big girl. yep, she does a good job taking care of herself. yep, she doesn’t need a babysitter (most days). but, mom also has few local friends. at the end of most days, i am the only person she has human face to face contact with. once a week, mar graces her with her presence. once a week. she doesn’t have the guilt of leaving her alone. why? why is it that i can carry this guilt and she doesn’t? why is this fair? it’s not fair. and it will never be fair. it is just a thing. but guilt is the reason why i am mad. she chooses to have the tire boy over mom and i. that frees her of guilt. and that really pisses me off.

and i don’t know how to deal with the guilt, or the anger.

lets hope the rocker sticks around. i really like the calm he brings.