gno goes persian again

tonight we had persian again. it was very good. i really enjoyed it.

we have a new girl joining us. she is very sweet. she had a baby around the same time that andrea did. it really changes the conversation. don’t get me wrong. i don’t mind the conversation. it’s just, we talk about marriage and babies more than we used to. with me having neither, it makes it hard. tonight was really hard. every time andrea mentions the fact that our friend paul is marrying the girl he met after the rocker and i started dating, i cry. my therapist told me that if the rocker had been ready to get married, then when he realized how important it was to me, he would have asked me. needless to say, he never asked.

the rocker liked to give the impression that eventually he would get around to asking, once enough time had passed. the thing is (and my therapist agrees), you know if you can stand someone enough to marry them in a relatively short period of time. you either like them, or you don’t. either you think you can stand their habits, or you don’t. i was willing to put up with the things that bugged me, if i thought that eventually i was going to get what i ultimately wanted. when i kicked him out, i knew that was never going to happen.

anywho, i sit at dinner listening to the “problems” of married life, of having a baby, of in-laws and i get in return, we get to live vicariously through you. through me? yeah right. i post my profile, no one writes. hell, no one even winks. i feel like every day i set myself up for failure. when someone does write, i feel obligated to answer, even if i’m really not interested… then someone will say, “god, i’m so glad i don’t have to date anymore” or “i’ll never get pregnant after 35, i don’t want to have to deal with birth defects.” the others will agree, and i just sit there thinking, i wish i had those options.

lately, i’ve been regretting this decision i made way back when. i let my first truely long term boyfriend make a decision that i didn’t want to make. i did it because i was scared i couldn’t raise a child by myself. i was 23. today, like so many other days, i wish i hadn’t made that decision. i’m glad i’m not with the guy, but i’m not glad i don’t have the child.

i know that my life would be totally different today. i wouldn’t have this job i have now. i would have never finished college. i’d probally still be working at the mall. but i’d have that child i’ve always wanted. and today, that sounds really good.

and yes, i’ve started to try to go off of zoloft again. the stuff keeps me from crying and being depressed, but i so don’t like feeling like i can’t function without it.

damn gno… makes me want what i don’t have and feel like will never get.