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At some point in time, oh maybe 2 years ago, I decided that I wasn’t sure I wanted to blog anymore.  I was really tired of having a place for people to check up on me, without having to contact me and ask me how things were going.  Mostly, I think it was ex’s that I didn’t want to know about my life, not old friends.  As time as passed, I’ve continued to censor myself and what I talk about.  I tried to only talk about my knitting.  I tried to only talk about good things that were going on.  For a while, I felt like I only had things to complain about so I didn’t blog at all.

For the last month, my father has been staying with my mother, my husband, Sean and I.  I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be.  When I volunteered to take him, I had absolutely no idea how bad things were with him.  And they were bad.  He has required 24 hour care since the day he walked through the door.  He has a problem with what I call “tippyness.”  One minute you think everything is fine, and the next minute, he has fallen against the wall, rolled out of bed, is catching himself from falling backwards, or better yet, I’m catching him from falling backwards.  My dad has been like this since he started his chemotherapy for pancreatic cancer.  I was told, by him, that it was a side effect of the chemo.  But, a month ago, he fell down while he was getting the mail, ended up banging his head against the curb, and lay unconscious in the street for over an hour.  I thought they had been working on the “tippyness” while he was in the hospital, recovering from his concussion.  I was wrong.  I thought I was getting someone that just needed to get healthy after the chemo.  I was wrong.

While my father has been improving every day, his “tippyness” is not improving.  In the mean time, my mother has been getting worse.  She has been going overboard trying to help with my father.  To the detriment of her own health.  She finally revealed to me on Wednesday that not only had the work of taking care of my father made her exhausted, but every time she saw him she thought of how her life should have been.  And told me that neither one of them would have been sick if Andrea had not come into their lives.  My mother called Andrea on Sunday and told her to find different accommodations.  That having my dad here was too much for her. 

More than that, I think it’s been too much for me as well. 

I’ve been seeing a lot of doctors as of late.  I have the eye thing, and last month I was diagnosed with vasculitis.  I’ve worried about the drugs I have to take effecting Sean…  But yesterday’s new diagnosis took the cake.  I have shingles. 

I had decided to take my dad car shopping yesterday, simply because, well, he likes to go car shopping.  I figured that I’d get John’s mom to babysit, and take my dad to do something fun during the last week that he is here.  I had a doctors appointment (with the rheumatologist) at 10:15 am, and after that, off we would go.  The problem came when I showed her the bumps that had appeared on my neck over the weekend.  I thought maybe they were related to all the stuff that was going on with my joints, John thought spider bites.  We were wrong.  She said, “this looks like shingles to me.  Go down and see Dr. Prescop right now.  If he can’t see you, go see the first doctor that can.  If no one will see you, call me and I will prescribe something for you.”  I ended up having a lovely blood draw, then having one of the newly called blisters popped for a culture, and an extra 2 hours waiting around at the doctors office.  We didn’t leave until 1 or so.  I was upset, needless to say.  Now I’m taking a pill 5 times a day for 7 days, trying to treat the shingles.  Which have decided to hurt.  I have to wear a large band-aid on my neck, because they are contagious, and I don’t want Sean to get sick. 

And while I’m glad for the time that I was able to give my dad, I’m wondering if his being in the house has brought the shingles on.  I’m wondering why, when I’ve finally found a wonderful husband and I have the best baby in the world, I’m getting sick.  And, if I’m just going to continue to get sicker…  And if every new bump I feel on my body is just a bump, or more shingles.

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Comments

  1. jacqui gerbracht says

    Gwen,  It sounds like you’re taking on quite a bit.  Try to take time for yourself when you can. The pictures of Sean are absolutely adorable. Some friends and I are going to go scrapbooking on 7/19 from 6p-12am in danville.  Let me know if you’re interested.

  2. Shingles are definitely a sign of stress and a decreased immune system.  Your body is telling you that you’ve taken on too much…admirable as it is.

    It does at times seem just as if when things should be perfect we’re slammed back to reality.  Do try to find the time to do what you love.  Hopefully you can find some solutions to help alleviate your stress.

    Take care…you have a lovely reason to do so!

  3. Delurking to say “take care of yourself” or you won’t be any good to any of our loved ones. I know how you feel about being “checked up on” by people that are not friends, I have been dealing with something similar and have felt forced to censor my blog, too. Hang in there!

  4. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a tough time lately! I hope you can reduce the amount of things you have to do and take some time off… Hang in there, it’s got to get better from now on.