crapy day

so in the grand scheme of life, there are good days, and there are bad days. today was a bad day. it didn’t start off that way… but as the day progressed, i was thinking, oh my god, can i just start this day again?

i made three meals, went to the grocery store, walked mom twice, walked daisy 5 times, and did 3 loads of laundry… i fiddled around in illustrator, read a blog or two and made cookies. i think i might have even inadvertantly stepped on the rockers toes. finally, i called my boss and told her i had decided to go back to work.

this had to have been the absoluetly longest day in the history of my life. ok, well, i know that isn’t true, but that is what it felt like.

i’ve finished a new mix… i don’t think it is for this exchange, but i’m going to print out what i have on the good printer at work. that should help me pick. i can really see a change in my style. i’m really liking it. more photographs, less me trying hard to draw. andrea has been teaching me some tricks. speaking of andrea… she has officially announced her pregancy. it was super hard to keep it secret. i told mom and the rocker. i accidently told speed last sunday night. i was so mad at myself. i was telling the story of monique cornering me because andrea told her too… it just sliped. i tell him everything anyway. oh well…

so, i’m having a really hard time with this. i’m so utterly excited for her. i really am. but, it’s like, as long as she wasn’t pregnant, it wasn’t a big deal that i wasn’t pregnant. well… i’m not going to be pregnant anytime soon… and i’m wondering if i couldn’t have just dealt with what the new boy and i were. i could have been pregnant next week, if that is what i wanted… i’m pretty sure that as irritated as he is, he wouldn’t turn me away if i showed up on his doorstep. but then it comes down to this… do i really want to do it alone? and, at that point, would it be easier to just go to the sperm bank and do it myself?

have i really ruined my chances at children? i mean really, have i? forty is closer than it has ever been… do i just give up on this desire? do i decide that there are other ways to make myself happy? could i be happy always being “auntie gwenie”? i just don’t know anymore. i wish i could be more patient. but, for 15 years, i’ve been waiting. 15 years.

i could kill bruce sometimes. our child would have been just about 10… was that my chance? did i blow my chance on children because bruce would have left me? there are so many days that i think i have… and i know that with all his faults, he would have been a great dad… even if he couldn’t keep his dick to himself. but then i think, thank god i’m not tied to ken and suzy, or to him. i’m glad i left. i’ve never regretted that decision. but i regret others made with him. everyday, i regret that decision, that choice, that horrible day.