ok, so i’m stressed. i’m stressed about everything. at work, i just say, whatever. no matter what the problem, i’m like, ok, i’ll do it. it’s no big deal. i can do it, i’m wonder woman.
at home, things are very different, i’m always on. does mom need this, does mom need that. did i go to the grocery store? did i do the laundry? do her bandages need to be changed? when was the last time she took a shower? does she have her night-time medicine? did she take her kineret? all these questions go through my head on the way home from work every day. no matter what i do, i can’t figure out how to get them to stop, and i’m tired. i’m exausted.
so, today, after cleaning up the blueberries that she swept into a pile (and mashed into the floor), i took a very long, hot shower. i got out and decided that was that. it was mars turn. it is mars turn. mom needed to tell mar she needed things. i came down stairs and said:
“for the next week, if you need something, you need to call mar. if you drop blueberries, you need to call mar. if you need clean clothes, you need to call mar. if you need your electrodes moved, you need to call mar. you need to have someone else help you. i am too tired to handle this anymore”
of course, my mother said that wouldn’t be a problem. of course she did. so when mar called at 2 and said that bob and gwenna were on their way from la, i was like, ok… this shouldn’t be my problem. the probably have their motorhome, or they are staying at a hotel. no big deal.
i finished making my cookies, and the i went to paul’s party. i didn’t want to go to paul’s party, but stephen wanted to go, so thus, i did. yes, stephen is on vacation from bakerfield, and yes, he is staying at the house.
we get to pauls, and i’ve missed a call on the cell. hmm, i’m thinking, who called. mom called. she is asking me where clean sheets for my bed are. then she says, it is ok if bob and gwenna sleep in your room, isn’t it? at this point, i’m numb. i can’t think. this is the first time that i have been out to a party in months and she is calling me. hmm. i say, i can’t think where they are right now, we should just wash the ones on the bed. she says, i can do that, but i can’t put them into the dryer. i say fine, i’ll be home by 8 to take care of that (bob and gwenna due to arrive at 8). i then ask, did you call mar? mar was also going to a party, but her’s was in pleasanton, mine in cupertino. she says, yes, but she didn’t answer the phone. ok, fine. forget it, i say. i’ll be home by 8 to change the laundry.
at 7 i started getting antsy. i wanted to get the sheets dry earlier rather than later… so i said to stephen, i need to go home and change the laundry. he says, you said we were going to do that at 8. i said, well, you don’t have to come with me, i can go, do it and come back and get you. he looked at me like i was crazy. i didn’t have the energy to deal with that shit. he wasn’t moving his fat ass. i looked at chris and said, give me your keys. he handed me the car keys. i said, i’ll be back in an hour, is that ok? he said yes, and i left the party.
when i got home, i opened the washing machine door to find no sheets. i was confused. i opened the dryer… DRY SHEETS. i’m like, mom why are the sheets in the dryer? mom says, i figured out how to do it, so i did. i said, is there a reason you didn’t call me and tell me that you did this? of course there isn’t a reason why she didn’t call me. of course there isn’t a reason why she coudn’t have tried harded to have mar help her… and of course i should have wanted to come home from my party and dry the sheets/make the bed just because gwenna and bob needed to kick me out of my bed…
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
for the first time since my mother and i started living together, i am seriously thinking about moving out. she knows that i will take care of things, and i’m so tired of doing it. more than that, i’m tired of the fact that she doesn’t even think that maybe someone else could do it for her. stephen was here when she dropped the blueberries, he could have picked them up… no, she waited for me to do it. mar could have left her party and made sure that room was clean for company, but no, she waited for me to do it… and didn’t tell me that i didn’t need to come home. she knows she can guilt me into anything, and because of that, i need to leave. i need to not be here. i need a life, and i won’t ever have one as long as i live in this house.
this makes me very sad… it hurts… and i wish things were different, but they aren’t. they really aren’t. the promises of asking mar to help are lies. i don’t believe it. she will continue to deal with things the same way as she always has… there is no need to change, why would she. while things suck for me, they are very good for her. and every day, i die just a little bit. and i can’t do this anymore.
Look who’s talking…