i’ve been eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on white bread at lunch time for the past two weeks. normally it’s grape jelly, today i decided to have raspberry. i wish i knew what it was that i was craving that makes me want peanut butter and jelly. it’s like i know something is wrong, but i can’t put my finger on it. so i am eating peanut butter and jelly. i am even paying $1.50 at the student union to have a peanut butter sandwich… i can’t imagine that it costs them more than $0.15 to make that sandwich, and i know that they aren’t using jif or skippy like i do… but i still buy it when i forget to make it.
this week i have decided to add ho-ho’s to my lunch. why? i wish i knew. one ho-ho, a bag of carrots, a peanut butter sandwich and plain potato chips (yes, inside the sandwich!). what a lunch! this will be my lunch for the entire week… it’s all i want, and i’m really bothered by it.
i’ve been listening to the ’80’s alternative station on launchcast and feeling really nostalgic… like i’ve been missing something all these years, and i wish i could go back. i really do. the days keep passing and while it’s nice to have the rocker around, nothing has really changed in my life. nothing is getting better when i look around. i’m 35, i live with my mother, i’m not married, i have no kids, the only thing that i have to show for my life is a bunch of stuff and a dog. i hate it. i can’t even say i like my job anymore (i’ve never been quite so bored in my life).
so tell me, does it ever get better? do my chances of having my own family just continue to decrease from here? is it really time for me to give up on it all and just be grateful for the dog and the stuff? i just don’t know anymore, and while for a minute the rocker makes me happy, his presence just adds that many more questions… doubt fills my head, and the crying has started again. maybe it’s time to cut my losses.
Poontang Crooner Swooner,
You DO/WILL reap what you sow.
The fact that the sowing process is so protracted is indicative of a bountiful harvest to come (If you sow, it will come. Soon? Probably not. With bells on when it does? Definately).
The problem lies within the fact you need satisfaction in the short term on a regular basis. This is where consumption of culture and the bettering of oneself should be a bottomless well from which to drink.
NOONE should remain transfixed on the big goal, the horizon- but rather it should remain in your periphery as an eventual desination for the meandering path. Above all, eagerness should strike a happy medium with discipline- important for remaining realistic without becoming jaded.
As my life seems to continually immitate art, I just finished Nick Hornby’s ‘How To Be Good’ amidst a flurry of lurid personal conflict… situations. Anyway, he writes from a troubled, married woman’s perspective but her views, process stimulate abstract thought.
Give it read, willya?
When you do eventually get to the grass on the other side of the fence, pray that you don’t end up lamenting the loss of sovereign identity, the traits that made you special that may end up being left behind. Then you’ll become angry just like… somebody.
)*(
ps: On PB&J: Smooth… or chunky?
pss: Nevermind the spoiled/un-spoiled dog debate. Regardless of comparison, this is Andrea’s first puppy and an adorable exotic at that. Relish in the opportunity of being a canine aunt!
woo hoo! *waving* helloooooo!!! 33 and living with MY mother over here… no kids… and a dog… it will get better (it has to… don’t give up, because then I have to give up, Chicky!!!)