this weekend was interesting to say the least. i went to phoenix. i called in sick to work on friday, so that i could go to phoenix. i ate chocolate the entire weekend. i’ve not done that in a while. wait, i’ve not done that ever since i’d decided that i didn’t need to do that to get through the day anymore.
thursday night the rocker and i went out to dinner, then to tower… i bought the new john mayer cd, and i bought my first christmas cd of the season: harry connick, jr’s harry for the holidays. they are both pretty good. the evening was nice. it was one of my normal dates with the rocker. me not wanting the date to end, and him rushing to get home. i’ve not figured out how to keep his attention, either that of there are just things way more important than me going on at home. i don’t quite know.
depression is a very interesting thing. some weeks, you don’t notice a thing. it’s like life is just going along and you are riding the wave. other days, weeks, months, it feels more like the undertow… it just pulls you down so hard that you can’t breathe, and shoots you out far from where you were expecting to be. most days it feels like it spits you out miles back from where you started.
this weekend, i ate chocolate to deal with a couple of things. i did something for someone else, at my expense, again. is it a big deal, no, not really. was i irritated about it. yes. i was. i don’t like feeling like i’m in a corner with no choices. this weekend, i was in a corner and i did what i needed to do. i tried really hard to make the best of it… the chocolate helped, i guess. but i think it did some damage to the work i had done over the past week.
after the wedding, i needed more than chocolate. i needed/wanted to feel loved, appreciated, cared for… my boy was no where to be found. i’m not sure how i feel about that. he has made comments about if we lived together, where would he go to hide. it’s an interesting comment. think about it. i have. then the depression comes back.
missey andrea tells me that i have to decide how long i’m willing to put what is important to me on the back burner to wait and see what will happen here. i’ve been thinking that i’m going to wait until the first of the year… but that feels like eternity. every day just drags by. instead of working, i putz around trying to busy my mind so i can work. looking for anything else to distract me from my perceived issues. now, i’m not even sure if my issues are real or just in my head.
i feel like i’ve tried to express my needs, and they don’t actually fall on deaf ears… but the memory factor just isn’t there. it’s like for the minutes that he see’s my face he remembers, and then everything he ever knew about me just goes away once i’m out of his sight. but it’s not that he doesn’t think of me… it’s this selective memory thing. i know we all have it… i’m sure i even have it… but i get so confused and lost… like maybe i didn’t really say what i thought i said, but then if i really did say it, am i being a nag if i repeat it…
you know, maybe the new boy was right, maybe i am high maintenance… maybe i expect too much from people.
*just so you know the bright spot of the weekend was cin and i driving around in a bright orange mustang saying “trick or treat are in the pumpkin”. it was worth many a smile… i’ll have pictures when she gets back to davis.*
Look who’s talking…