a sense of relief

it’s really strange. i’ve been cranky for 2 or 3 weeks. actually, i think ever since my dad’s heart attack. i’ve not really wanted to be around people, but yet, i’ve been hating not having things to keep me busy.

this week, i was so angry. i haven’t been this angry since may. i ranted around, trying to blow off steam. on thursday, i worked out so hard that i thought the machine was going to kick me off when my heart rate reached 166. i ate things i shouldn’t have eaten. but, i never cried. ever. i wasn’t that kind of mad. i wanted to hurt someone, physically. yes, i really was that mad.

then thursday morning after my workout, i did something that was totally out of my character. i stood up for myself. straight and tall. the seed to do so had actually been planted in my head 4 months ago. i was told to have a plan. i knew that the advise i had been given was the best advise i had ever heard. it was the only way that i could say, “i’m not comfortable with that” without really saying it.

the events that followed proved to me that i had done the right thing for me. this decision was all about me. not about anyone else… just me. i have second guessed myself most of my life. i’ve done it many a time over the past year alone. but, i never second guessed this decision or the advise that had been given to me. it was the right thing for me to do. while it was the hardest thing i’ve ever done, i took my time, thought it through, and decided when and how to do it.

honestly, in the end, it really was easier than i thought.

i have this habit of allowing others to tell me i’m dirt, and believing them, figuratively speaking. over the past year, i’ve tried not to listen, and then do things out of my character as a reaction. i figure, if i’m dirt, i should act that way.

let me tell you… people don’t like it when i act out of character. but the funny thing is, the more i do it, the more i see the true character of others, and the better i feel about myself.

i think that daisydo readers are going to stop seeing a girl having personal pity parties. they are going to start seeing a girl who knows what she wants, and is going to get it. maybe i’m going to get what my mom calls “a little bit of your sister”. i think it’s time. no more expecting me to bend over backwards and take it. NO MORE.

I’m not taking that shit anymore. Got it? You wouldn’t.

And just for your information, my crankyness has turned into empowerment. I am content and empowered.

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Comments

  1. Kick ass, gwen!  Go you!

  2. Yay for turning corners!  I’m negotiating my way around a few myself.

    Good for you Gwen!

  3. *capers and leaps*

    babe, i understand fully.
    like what i’ve told you- you have to hand these people the power to hurt you.
    take away, and they have nothing. NOTHING.

  4. Amen dammit.. AMEN

  5. damn, I KNOW I commented on this earlier but it’s not here.  maybe I really am going crazy.  Anyways…. what I THINK I said earlier was something like this:

    Yay for turning corners.  I’m trying to negotiate my way around a few dangerous intersections these days too.

    Good for you, Gwen!

  6. Yay for empowerment!

  7. You go Daisy girl!  I’m rooting for you. 

    And you are right… when you start standing up for yourself, people are shocked.