have you ever had the feeling that someone is judging you for something you said in the heat of an argument? like, you are saying things back and forth, and all of a sudden, open mouth, insert foot? you didn’t mean to say it, and didn’t really want to say it, but it just slipped out?
i think blogging is very simular to that. it is a way to get out thoughts that are bugging you, so you can let them go, and hopefully move on. it works like 98% of the time. unless, in my case the topic was mm. then, ok, i wasn’t moving on. i wanted him to write, and more importantly, i wanted him to read. i kinda wanted him to see that things could be better for both of us if his situation was different. do i still feel the same way? no, i don’t think so. now, i write out of irritation, frustration and down right sillyness, really thinking that no one reads it anyway.
i know my statistics. i know that i’m getting about 100 hits a day, and that a good 40 of those are to my blog. some of you are actually reading this. i hope you are enjoying it, and more than that, i hope that it is helping someone. i hope that people are getting to see that deep down, we all have the same hopes, fears and dreams. that we are not the only ones who feel this way, and that even if the situation isn’t the same, the feelings can be.
I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to find gigglechick. it was uplifting, and inspiring. it was, yeah, she feels the same way as i do. she has a bunch of the same problems. i saw that we were really quite similar. age, race, career, married status, ex’s… i read what she has to say, to remind me that in my life of married and pregnant friends, that there are so many others out there like me. single, but really wishing that my life path had taken me the way of marriage and motherhood.
i don’t ever judge what erin has to say. it is her life, and she is talking about her moments. i hope the new people who are reading this will treat me with the same respect. these are my moments. i feel the need to write them, and i share them for the same reason i read erins blog every day. i am proud of everthing i write. it is me, at that moment in time. do i do things i’m not proud of, i’d like to say no, but i can’t. i’m not proud of some of my actions. but they are my mistakes, and they make me who i am. and i am proud of how i’ve dealt with each and everyone of them.
if you feel the need to read this, and then change your opinion of me, then i don’t think i want you as my friend. this is, above all, my journal. if you choose to read it, then _you_ have the responsibilty to realize that it is just that… a journal. a snapshot of my feelings at that particular moment.
as j lo’s new album title states: “this is me, then”. who knows who i am right now, or who i’m going to be tomorrow. if you judge me by my past, you will never get to see my future. what a shame that is. i’m sure my future is going to be stellar. why wouldn’t you want to be a part of it?
Look who’s talking…