christmas on the homefront

i’ve lost the christmas spirit. i don’t know when it happened. wait, no, i know when it happened. it happened over the weekend. between not seeing the rocker on date night and spending sunday night at my dad’s house, i’ve found myself in a very grouchy mood.

i think i’ve mentioned that the rockers parents are in town. i’ve not met them yet. i tried to meet them saturday, but that didn’t work. mom and i made 15 kinds of christmas cookies over the weekend, and i wanted to take some cookies over to his mother. that was poo-poo’ed late saturday night and i stayed home. so, i didn’t get date night with my boy… my time with the boy was sunday at my dad’s house.

going to my dad’s house during the holiday season is always difficult. ALWAYS. over 6 years ago, my dad decided that there was no reason to exchange gifts with my sister and i. neither mar or i were very happy about this. the chosen daughter (jap for short) was then what 16 or so… needless to say, they were still celebrating hanukkah with her and her brother… mar was in her late 20’s and i had just turned 30. we were so confused. what, were we not deserving of gifts? or was it that they (my dad and his wife) didn’t know us well enough to chose appropriate gifts?

so, holidays at my dad’s are a strain at best. mar and i always take a gift. why? because we like making dad feel bad. he shouldn’t be a dick like this. this year he got two rugby shirts. one from san jose state, and one from eddie bauer. we both even got his wife something. ok, well mar’s was cuter than mine was… i got her this cotton chenille scarf set from target. she looked appauled. like, you got me something from target. i wear stuff from target all the time. it’s a black and white scarf and mittens! it doesn’t have to come from macy’s to be nice, does it? i didn’t think so. besides, i didn’t really think much about it. if i had, i would have made her something. but i didn’t have the time (mar told me that she had got her a gift on thursday). i didn’t want to not bring something if mar was bringing something.

anyway… my uncle butch and aunt dana were there. at that point, i was wondering where my aunt dee was. i mean really, why didn’t he invite his sister? my uncle is a nice guy, but i think i embarrass him. i don’t have a problem with my weight, but he does. it’s his problem. when he talks to me it’s like he is talking over my head… like its a conversation with my hair, or what is going on behind me. and when i say something, he turns away. mar is his favorite, i know that. and when she and the kids got there, they talked quite a bit.

by the time the night was over, i was exausted from the family stress. i’ve not been talking to my sister, i don’t really like the tire boy very much, my dad’s wife has been trying as of late, but the relationship is still a bit strained, and i don’t talk when there are more than 3 people in the room (and the jap was there). so there you go. i wish my aunt had been there. at least i would have talked to someone besides the boy.

so now, its 2 days till christmas and i don’t care. i want to confront the boy about why he doesn’t want to spend time with me and have a big fight. i want to return all the gifts i’ve purchased. i want to go to bed and hide until after new years. i want call in sick to work for the rest of the week. i want to have my headache go away. i want to not have my period. and i want the boy to worry about birth control, rather than having me try something different again this month (heard about the nuvaring? that’s what we are trying now).

i’m thinking it’s time to up the zoloft. because this bad attitude has to stop before christmas, other wise there will only be coal in my stocking.