what the *uck?

There are days in my life when I’m absolutely sure what I’m doing and why. There are others when I’m sure I’m insane, and I wonder what the *uck I’m doing.

The grad school thing is one of those what the *uck am I doing. I know that I’m going to get something out of it someday, but right now, I swear to god I’m going to kill someone before I’m done with the degree. It’s a very hard thing for me. I hate it when I feel like I’m doing busy work. The two classes I took this semester felt like busy work. When I finished my second final this weekend, I knew I wasn’t giving it 100%. I hate not caring about what I’m working on… I didn’t care about that final. I just hope I got a B. That way I won’t have to take it again. You know, you need a 3.0 to be passing in Grad School. No B, no continuing on. I think I’m giving this one more semester. If I can’t be happy with it, then I’m giving it up. Even at $16 for 6 units, being irritated with the work is not worth it.

Now, I’ve gone and volunteered to take on additional responsibility at work. My boss is leaving. Her position has been posted for internal candidates for over 3 weeks. Not one person has applied. Not a one. This is really wierd, but not unexpected. The more people that she talked to about coming to our department, the more people said they didn’t want to leave where they were. There of course were conversations… Many of them, with many different people. All of which told me that I should have a conversation.

When I finally thought it out, I had one. Not really the conversation I thought I would have, but a conversation none the less. I think my VP was surprised. Not in a bad way. I couldn’t believe I did it. Yeah, then I spent the weekend finishing my final, thinking about what I had said and done. I came into work today saying, what the *uck did I do now.

Today was my boss’ retirement party. It was something I really wasn’t looking forward to. One, I’m going to miss my boss. As much as I didn’t agree with some of the things she did, she is my only friend in my office. Second, I’d been asking what I could do to help out with her party for almost a month. My help was not wanted. That had been crystal clear for almost that long. I really had no desire to go and see what was going to happen. But I did. The click in my group was no more obvious than at that party… It is such a mockery of a team. Then, as to be expected, her “support team” gave her a special gift. Now, I’m a part of her “support team” as is the DBA in our group. Neither of us knew anything about a gift, nor were we asked for a donation for the gift. When there were questions about what the gift was at our table, everyone asked us what it was. Of course we had no idea. It was embarrassing, and degrading all at the same time. I honestly knew that the people in my group are inconsiderate arses, but I hate having it thrown in my face in a public forum.

So, here I am asking myself what the *uck am I doing here? I’m volunteering to help out my group? Offering to take on more responsiblity with my VP? Thinking that maybe I could be a manager of this group of people?

I know I’ve made a huge mistake. I know I have. I should have left years ago. When I knew things would never change. People say, oh, things will change when your boss is gone. Yeah right. Things aren’t going to change. People like that don’t change. I’m pretty sure that I don’t want to stick around to see what happens. I’ve had enough. It’s time for a change, and I don’t think that is going to happen where I’m at.

What the *uck am I doing? I sure do wish I knew.