LOAD520 – Day 15

It’s hard to believe that we are 1/2 way done with LOAD. Well, technically tomorrow, the 31 days thing. Today is Charlie’s birthday. Happy birthday! Charlie is Sean’s best friend. We went over to his house to drop off his birthday present, and leave him some rice krispy treats that I made today. I embarrassed him with lots of horn honking. He was taking out the trash, so we didn’t social distance very well. We didn’t stay to talk, although I think Sean would have liked to.

Charlie had a party this evening on Fortnite. By the end of the night, Sean was saying Charlie isn’t his friend, and that Charlie cares more about being popular than being friends. Charlie is farther along in the puberty thing than Sean is. I think it’s becoming an issue. They are also 2 very strong willed boys. So, they butt heads often, and this is not a new complaint. Sigh. He went to bed with bad feelings. I hate that.

And then there is this:

Abbey LOAD Day 15 – Eleanor Rigby (song)
Story: Scrapbook a page about loneliness, or how you are connecting.
Technique: Use the color blue.

Yesterday, I was grateful for an easy prompt. Today, I was dreading this painful prompt.

I went with the hole in the wall. There really isn’t much punishment left for this hole in the wall. There is not much I can do. I have taken everything he loves away. His friends. His school. His soccer. Everything but Fortnite. I hate Fortnite. It is this double edged sword. All his friends play Fortnite. One doesn’t, but he doesn’t go to school with Sean, so it’s different. So, if I take this violent game way, he gets NO social interaction. None. What is there to do. Nothing. So, I’m hoping. I’m hoping that things get better. That the sun will come out and it will get easier. I want that for him.

Scrapbook layout of the hole in my son's wall.

I did cut a piece of paper today, and two sheets of vellum. I only meant to cut one, but then, I cut the second. Very wasteful, because it’s hard to find. I decided to take the journaling and repeat it over and over again. Because that’s how this feels, same stuff over and over again. I put it behind the vellum because we are kinda hiding our feelings in all of this, putting on a front. I decided that I wanted to add a sun, and I wanted to use this “hope.” I really liked how the word hope looked next to the hole. I want things to get better, I want the sun to come out. I want him to be able to play with his friends. I want him to have all his outlets back.


This all came out of a letter that my mother sent. She told him that he was 12 now, and that he can fly all by himself. He doesn’t have to have a parent fly with him. She wants him to come visit. My mother is clueless. My mother doesn’t know anything about who Sean is today. Nothing. She remembers him from 5 years ago. 7 to 12 is a HUGE difference. The issues we were having at 7 are nothing in comparison to the issues we are having now. My son has ADHD. He has this emotional disturbance. Not to mention all these puberty hormones! We never know what or who we are going to get day to day.

The idea that I would allow him to go on a plane to Austin is insane. It will never happen. The idea that she thinks that he can come and stay in her room in the “retirement community” is a joke. It’s a damn joke. I told my dad, and he just laughed. It’s not a reasonable thing. Honestly, she couldn’t handle him, and he would be on the first plane back… That is, IF he would even go to her. Which I doubt. He doesn’t want to go. She doesn’t understand that. Every communication that she has with him, I force him to participate in. He doesn’t ask to call her. He doesn’t want to write her. He just looks for envelopes with money. I doubt he even reads the letters inside of them. My mother is convinced that I am keeping Sean from her. She is convinced of that. My mother is convinced of many things that aren’t true. I couldn’t change her mind even if I tried. It’s not worth it. That ship sailed long ago.

So, at dinner on the 11th, I said that maybe we should send Sean to Austin. He got so mad he punched the wall. Just thinking that I wanted him to go to Austin to visit her made him so mad he punched the wall. My son over reacted. But, I’d never send him. Even if he had a prepaid ticket. You don’t hand over your most precious possessions to people you don’t trust. Those possessions never come back the same. Sean is the most precious thing that I have. I would never hurt him on purpose. The people in Austin have no problem doing that. I don’t want him to experience that. Ever.

So just in case I wasn’t clear. Sean will not be visiting Austin. With or without me. Don’t ask Mr. Gerbracht looking for a different answer. You won’t find one. I won’t revisit this topic again.