Holding it in

I’ve been wondering why I’ve been so teary as of late. I thought it was just the stress of 16 hour midterms, papers, you know, adding grad school to my life. It’s not that is all that difficult right now. I just have this need to be the perfect student, so I bring stress on myself when I really don’t need to.

Then, I thought maybe it was the fact that after more than 2 months, I still don’t have my dresser in my bedroom. I still have wardrobe boxes stacked in my living room. The two front bedrooms have nothing in them at all. They are barren. I clean for the cleaning ladies to come vaccum around boxes.

Then, I thought it was the whole work thing. Over the past two weeks, I’ve never felt so unwelcome in my whole life. After being there as a permanent employee for two years, the women in my office still can make me feel like a leper on a daily basis. Most days I take it in stride and think… Their issue, not mine. This week, I’m sure that they are driving me back on Zoloft.

I also had the thought that maybe, even thought my head says its not true, that I wanted to call the rocker. I thought maybe that my heart was just aching to hear from him, to see if he was ok or if he needed me.

In the end, I realized that in the stress of all these other things, I had stopped doing the one thing that had been keeping me sane the past two years… I had stopped writing, venting about things that were bothering me… And I had stopped reading others, knowing that the ones I read help me to remember that I’m not alone.

Isn’t it nice to know that even though I’ve been trying to hide, some of you won’t let me. Susanna sent me the cutest little ornament of a cow with angel wings for Easter, and then called me on Sunday, to chat about knitting, but I think she was checking in. Snidget sent me The Incredibles out of the blue. Told me that she and Turtle liked Edna Mode best. When I saw it at family night 2 weeks ago, she was my favorite too.

I had stopped writing for a couple of reasons… but school really wasn’t it. I think I’d better stop caring about the other shit, and start doing what is healthy for me. This is. More than I ever realized.