getting help doesn’t mean you get the help you want

monday’s are therapy nights. it used to be that the rocker went with me, now he doesn’t. i go by myself. the three of us decided that while there were problems in the relationship that maybe things would be better if i learned how to deal with all the people in my life, not just the rocker.

for the past few weeks, we have been talking about what i want out of life and how i’m going to make that happen. we talk about how to say “i’m not comfortable with that” to my dad every time he asks me to buy him out of the house. we talk about how to make things better with my sister. we talk a lot about the rocker. since the therapist has met the rocker, he kinda has a glimpse into who he is and i think that helps.

the topic of conversation continues to be that the rocker, while he loves me, is unable to give me what i want. what do i want? i want children. i want to get married. i want my own family. does the rocker want this? no. not right now. he wants time. unfortunately, as my therapist keeps telling me, my biological clock is running out of time, and i don’t have time to spare. he tells me that if the rocker were ready, he would be understanding of the whole clock thing and decide that he is emotionally ready for all that i want. all three of us know, he isn’t ready now, and probably won’t be in six months, or 12 months.

so here is the help i got this week. it’s time for you to move on. you need to find someone who will give you what you want now.

here is the thing. since i’ve been back from houston, things have been better. tons better. i think we have both been trying. we’ve been happier.

but in the happiness, i’ve been putting on the back burner what i want… and if i keep putting it on the back burner, my chances of having what i want decrease dramatically.

i don’t know what to do. i’ve been getting it from all sides. everything i get is, gwen move on. i just wish that i thought i really wanted that. i’m not sure i do. i know i want kids, i know i want them sooner than later… i just was hoping that the rocker would be the man i had them with. just thinking about this makes me cry.

remember… just because people think you are sick and need therapy, doesn’t mean that you are going to get the help they think you need. you get the help you need. and sometimes, that isn’t what either you or the other person involves wants.

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